I have never seen Mrs. Clark before, but I know from her
medical chart and the report I received from the preceding shift that tonight
she will die. The only light in her room is coming from a piece
of medical equipment, which is flashing its red light as if is warning. As I
stand there, the smell hits my nose, and I close my eyes as I remember the smell
of decay from past experience. In my mouth I have a sour, vinegar taste coming
from the pit of my stomach. I reach for the light switch, and as it silently
lights the scene, I return to the bed to observe the patient with an
unemotional, medical eye. Mrs. Clark is dying. She lies
motionless: the head seems unusually large on a skeleton body; the skin is dark
yellow and hangs loosely around exaggerated bones that not even a blanket can
hide; the right arm lies straight out at the side, taped cruelly to a board to
secure a needle so that fluid may drip in; the left arm is across the sunken
chest, which rises and falls with the uneven breath. I reached
for the long, thin fingers that are lying on the chest. They are ice cold, and I
quickly move to the wrist and feel for the faint pulse. Mrs Clark’s eyes open
somewhat as her head turns towards me slightly. I bend close to her and scarcely
hear as she whispers, "Water." Taking a glass of water from the table, I put my
finger over the end of the straw and allow a few drops of the cool moisture to
slide into her mouth and ease her thirst. She makes no attempt to swallow; there
is just not enough strength. "More," the dry voice says, and we repeat the
procedure. This time she does manage to swallow some liquid and weakly says,
"Thank you." She is too weak for conversation. So without
asking, I go about providing for her needs. Picking her up in my arms like a
child, I turn her on her side. Naked, except for a light hospital gown, she is
so very small and light that she seems like a victim of some terrible famine. I
remove the lid from a jar of skin cream and put some on the palm of my hands.
Carefully, to avoid injuring her, I rub cream into the yellow skin, which rolls
freely over the bones, feeling perfectly the outline of each bone in the back.
Placing a pillow between her legs, I notice that these too are ice cold, and not
until I run my hands up over her knees do I feel any of the life-giving warmth
of blood. When I am finished, I pull a chair up beside the bed
to face her and, taking her free hand between mine, again notice the long, thin
fingers, graceful. I wonder briefly if she has any family, and then I see that
there are neither flowers, nor pictures of rainbows and butterflies drawn by
children, nor cards. There is no hint in the room anywhere that this is a person
who is loved. As though she is a mind reader, Mrs. Clark answers my thoughts and
quietly tells me, "I sent… my family… home… tonight… didn’t want… them… to see…"
Having spent her last ounce of strength she cannot go on, but I have understood
what she has done. Not knowing what to say, I say nothing. Again she seems to
sense my thoughts, "You… stay…" Time seems to stand still. In
the total silence, I feel my own pulse quicken and hear my breathing as it
begins to match hers, breath for uneven breath. Our eyes meet and somehow,
together, we become aware that this is a special moment between two human
beings… Her long fingers curl easily around my hands and I nod my head slowly,
smiling. Without words, through yellowed eyes, I receive my thank you and her
eyes slowly close. Some unknown interval of time passes before
her eyes open again, only this time there is no response in them, just a blank
stare. Without warning, her shallow breathing stops, and within a few moments,
the faint pulse is also gone. One single tear flows from her left eye, across
the cheek and down onto the pillow. I begin to cry quietly. There is a swell of
emotion within me for this stranger who so quickly came into and went from my
life. Her suffering is done, yet so is the life. Slowly, still holding her hand,
I become aware that I do not mind this emotional battle that in fact, it was a
privilege she has allowed me, and I would do it again, gladly. Mrs. Clark spared
her family an episode that perhaps they were not equipped to handle and instead
shared it with me. She had not wanted to have her family see her die, yet she
did not want to die alone. No one should die alone, and I am glad I was there
for her. Two days later, I read about Mrs. Clark in the
newspaper. She was the mother of seven, grandmother of eighteen, an active
member of her church, a leader of volunteer associations in her community, a
concert piano player, and a piano teacher for over thirty years. Yes, they
were long and graceful fingers. A drip
K
liquid B secured
L famine C
decay M
jar D preceding
N slide E
straw O
thirst F faint
P fluid G
pit Q
moisture H chart
R loosely
I palm
S hit J lid
T
indication The medical (1) from the (2)
shift was the first (3) I got that Mrs. Clark would die. There was
also a smell of (4) in the room that (5) me in the (6) of
my stomach. The patient’s skin hung (7) so a needle was (8) to let
the (9) (10) in. She had a (11) pulse and was thirsty, so I
gave her a (12) of a few drops of (13) to (14) into her
mouth to ease her (15) . Having managed to swallow some (16) , she
said "Thank you." She was so small and light that she looked like a victim of
some terrible (17) . I removed the (18) of a (19) of cream
and put some on the (20) of my hand. Then I rubbed the cream into her
yellow skin to make her feel better.