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Inspiration for Your Kids
A parent, or anyone else who interacts regularly with kids, knows that communicating effectively with them can be difficult. If you want children to grow up into the best possible versions of themselves, it’s crucial to replace damaging words in your vocabulary with alternatives that help build character. Some of the things parents say to kids seem harmless or even constructive on the surface, but, experts say, they may hurt more than help. Here are some aspects under our consideration.
1. When the kid deserves praise
For years, we’ve been told that boosting a child’s self-esteem is important to his or her success in life. But child experts are now learning that too much praise can backfire (事与愿违). Praise-aholic tykes who expect it at every turn may become teens who seek the same kind of approval from their friends when offered a joint or asked if they want to go in the backseat of the car. The implication of saying "You’re the prettiest girl in class," or talking about the goals she scored but not her overall effort, is that you love her only when she looks the best, scores the highest, achieves the most. And this carries over to the classroom.
Social psychologist Carol Dweck, PhD, tested the effects of overpraise on 400 fifth graders while she was at Columbia University. She found that kids praised for "trying hard" did better on tests and were more likely to take on difficult assignments than those lauded for being "smart"
"Praising attributes or abilities makes a false promise that success will come to you because you have that trait, and it devalues effort, so children are afraid to take on challenges," says Dweck, now at Stanford University. "They figure they’d better quit while they’re ahead."
2. When the kid asks more to take back home
Does your child really need one more video game or doll Of course not. But by repeatedly saying money is the only reason he or she can’t have something, the parent may be sending the message that money is the source of all things good in life. Couple that with the marketing blitz everywhere they turn, and children will never get the meaning of excess or gratitude.
"You want your children to have the sense of abundance until the age of five—not in a material way, but in the sense that what you do have brings joy," says Marcy Axness, PhD, a child development specialist and founder of quantumparenting. com.
Finances are one of the few topics parents shouldn’t feel a duty to discuss or explain, especially with younger kids, Axness says. "If every request is met with a legal brief as to why they can’t have it or go there, you will end up with a child who is going to negotiate with you." Don’t be afraid to say to your little one, confidently and cheerfully, "No, sorry. Case closed."
If it’s your older, money-wise child who’s asking Sit down with tier and Work out together how she can make the purchase happen—as a reward for improved grades, say, or by buying it with an allowance for doing extra chores. The process of talking it through matters more than how much each contributes.
3. When the kid is upset
When a child comes home upset about being teased by classmates or not winning a medal at the swim meet, it’s only natural for parents to overlook his disappointment and offer consolation (安慰). Adults know that such setbacks are minor.
"But kids need to learn how to express feelings, work through them and move on, as opposed to trying to make them go away without expression," says Panaccione, an expert on children development. If children feel that they shouldn’t have feelings or that their feelings are bad, they’ll start to lock them inside and fail to adopt healthy coping strategies, she says.
On the other hand, kids shouldn’t wallow in bad feelings. A question like "Why do you think this happened" or "Do you have any ideas about what you can do to make it better" may give them encouragement they need to deal with situations on their own. Says Mel Levine, MD, a professor of pediatrics at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill: "A parent gives more comfort by listening than by talking. If you simply resonate with your child’s mood, then you’ll have a child who’s always willing to come to you and bare her soul."
4. When the kid talks to strangers
Kids today need to, and do, talk to strangers all the time—at the store checkout, on the bus, in the doctor’s office. This antiquated catchphrase is no substitute for a serious one-on-one about the real risks.
First, parents need a reality check: Despite the sensational stones, eases of children snatched off the sidewalk by total strangers and never seen again are extremely rare. Just 1 percent or fewer of all abductions happen that way. Meanwhile, children are frequently victimized by people they know well, including authority figures. That’s why it makes more sense to tell kids to be watchful of anyone, stranger or acquaintance, who makes them feel at all uncomfortable.
Parents of kids who spend time on the Internet should warn them against giving information that would identify their whereabouts, such as their last name, address or school name, advises James Beasley, an expert on child predators for the FBI. And kids should always tell their parents about new online buddies, especially those who ask if the child is willing to keep a secret.
5. When the kid doesn’t want to share
You’d never hand the keys to your sports car to the guy next door. But that’s what you’re asking your children to do when you tell them to share a toy. "Young kids don’t distinguish clearly between themselves and the objects they own, like their teddy bear or favorite toy train," says psychologist David Elkind, PhD, a professor at Tufts University and the author of The Hurried Child. "So in effect you’re asking them to give away part of themselves."
In extreme cases, if a child is forced to give up prized possessions over and over, the separation becomes so painful that he may avoid forming attachments to people, Elkind says. Kids don’t really begin to grasp the concept of sharing until age eight or so. Before then, it’s still important to begin conveying nuggets (至理名言) of selflessness. One solution is to put your child’s name on the toy before you take it out of his hands, so he knows you’re not forcing him to give up ownership. Telling kids we appreciate their effort is better than saying they are just smart.