I’m Lovin’ It We all have our fantasy headlines -- the announcement of events of global or national significance that chime irresistibly with our own personal values and ambitions. "Texas oil reserves found to be unlimited" would probably be George Bush’s. Though I suppose it might be trumped by "WMDs found in Iraq -- and Iran". 1. ______ At last, it seems that McDonald’s is losing its hitherto stellar domination of the vast fast-food market in this country. This is not a regional or temporary blip, or a mere tactical realignment. They really are in trouble. Their poor performance in Britain dragged profit margins from McDonald’s European company-owned restaurants down to 14.9% of sales last year -- from 15.6% in 2004. No new openings are planned for the coming year. Even McDonald’s European boss, Denis Hennequin, is struggling to put a happy face on the situation: "The UK has been in negative territory for a couple of years now," he admitted. "The brand 15 years ago was very trendy and modem. It is now tired." 2. ______ There’s no doubt in my mind that the guests of honour at the big McClosure bash should be Morgan Spurlock, maker of the documentary Super Size Me, and Helen Steel and Dave Morris of the McLibel trial, now reworked into a stunning feature documentary. 3. ______ But much more importantly than that, for my money, is the way they have encouraged us no longer either to fear McDonald’s or to genuflect to their supremacy, but to laugh at them. The best piece of pure farce to emerge from the McLibel trial was the revelation that McDonald’s had hired at least four private detectives to infiltrate the London Greenpeace campaign group. What’s more, not all the investigators were made aware of each other’s existence. They therefore ended up wasting fantastic amounts of their time and McDonald’s money investigating each other. Super Size Me, as well as being a sizzling indictment of the devastating effect of the McDonald’s diet on the human body, is also a very funny film. And some of its humour is of the gross-out variety so beloved of a teenage audience -- Spurlock vomiting up his supersized Happy Meal before he even gets out of the drive-in is practically a Farrelly brothers moment. 4. ______ They may for decades have been frighteningly brilliant at selling burgers and fries, but they have, for the past year or so, revealed themselves to be comically bad at selling salads and fruit. According to reports in America, some of their salad meals, once topped with the gunk they call a dressing, contain as much fat as a quarter-pounder with cheese plus a regular fries. If so, that is nothing short of appalling, but it is on balance still funnier than it is sad. Everyone knows that the best way to disempower the playground bully is to make him a laughing stock. And this, joyfully, is what’s starting to happen to McDonald’s. This is apt, as it is in the playground that they are most vulnerable. 5. ______ But kids can be ruthless, too, when the lustre of desirability starts to fade, in turning their backs on the people, the trends -- the brands -- they once loved. The most devastating news for McDonald’s, and the thing they can do least about, is that they are becoming seriously uncool. A survey published last week revealed that Britain’s teenagers are turning their backs on the Golden Arches in droves. Just 1% of 13-to 15-year-olds said McDonald’s was their favourite meal, down 7% on a year ago. A This is dramatic stuff. It was only a few years ago that the march of the Golden Arches seemed inexorable. As recently as 2002, we heard that four new stores were opening somewhere on the planet every day. McDonald’s were able to buy the endorsement of any global superstar they felt might enhance their brand. Their supremely aggressive advertising, coupled with relentless merchandising tie-ins with Hollywood blockbuster kids’ movies, gave them untold power over the minds, and consequently stomachs, of our kids. They had seemed, for a couple of decades, literally unstoppable. The halting of such a seemingly irresistible force is no mean feat. It smacks of revolution. And as we celebrate (dancing in the high street may not be excessive) we should ask: how has this been brought about B The week brought great news for fans of real food: falling sales have forced the closure of 25 UK McDonald’s branches. Could this be a tipping point C Almost as funny as the sight of McDonald’s floundering public image is the sight of them trying to do something about it. In their desperate effort to reinvent themselves as a "healthy option" McD’s are doing a grand job of making themselves look ridiculous. D Well, I almost got to see one of mine this week. "McDonald’s goes bust!" -- that would have been the undiluted, full-fat, maximum-caffeine version. In truth the news isn’t quite that spectacular. But it’s pretty brilliant all the same: "McDonald’s to close 25 stores in the UK". Yes ! For me, and no doubt others who share my loathing of this huge ugly lump of global corporate muscle, this is an air-punching moment. All morning after I heard, I was wandering about in daze of delighted disbelief. And when I’d done with the air-punching, I went for the double forearm salute, shouting "YES !" again, through clenched teeth, to my two clenched fists. In short, I’m lovin’ it! E Kids may be easy to reach and influence; showering them with gifts and attention, and glamorous associations with what is cool and happening in their world can be brutally effective. F As McDonald’s themselves have known for a long time, entertainment is one of the most powerful marketing tools there is -- hence Ronald McDonald, and every merchandising deal they have ever done. So to see entertainment used as a weapon against them has been especially satisfying. The two McMovies between them have certainly done a magnificent job of exposing McDonald’s as a horrendous corporate bully, and a peddler of nutritionally bankrupt junk.